The Gallery: Mother Love...I get it!

This weeks Gallery prompt at Sticky Fingers is 'Mothers Love'. 

That gut wrenching, full to overflowing, heart stopping, exciting, fear inducing, joy filled, awe inspiring emotion. There is nothing like it in the world, nothing.

I love my children with every fibre of my being. Every teeny weeny atom. 

But it wasn't until I had children I finally understood. 

#1 son with Mummy and Daddy...

  "This is how my Mother feels about me and my sisters". 

My beautiful Mum...

 I never realised. Stupid eh?

Me and #1 son...

Mum, I get it now...

Silent Sunday...Hearts of Love

The Gallery - Love

What a wonderful Gallery theme from Tara at Sticky Fingers to end the year on. Make sure you pop over and check out all the entries, and I'm sure tissues will be needed!



LOVE...



There are so many different types of love, so many combinations of relationship. 
But no matter what the relationship is, when it comes down to it, it's just about the 'giving' and 'receiving' of love. A feeling of 'loving' and/or 'being loved'.


We're 'given' love as children. And in response our love for our parent grows. My love for my Mother is deep, respectful and full of gratitude for having such a loving and giving person in my life. 

For my children it is unconditional and unending. I loved them the instant they were born. Instinctively I would fight, with my last breath to protect my children, even though all of them now tower over me! They have made me laugh and cry, probably in equal measure. They have made me angry and proud. From helpless tiny babies, I've had the pleasure of loving, helping and guiding them to being the four 'grown up' loving, generous, gloriously unique individuals they now are. The love I have for them both soothes my soul and terrifies me. 

Never ending love...

The love my Husband 'gave' me, all the wonderful memories we made and all the love and laughter we shared, is stored safely in my heart. It lives with me and warms me, day to day. His love gives me strength. A strength I now understand I have, for those times when I'm sad or feeling just a little, and sometimes a lot, lost. 

Obviously a photo NOT taken by me, as I'm in it. But this is LOVE...

Don't you think, Love, in all it's countless forms, is a many splendid thing?

A difficult post to write...It's loving, not all sad & scary.

This will probably be the hardest post I ever have to write. I want to write it, no, need to write it, then I can read the words to make it seem more real, as at the moment it still feels a little surreal.

My husband, my partner of 12 years, Ian, died on Friday 22nd October 2010. He didn't 'pass away' 'leave' or any of those words I personally find so infuriatingly vague, he died. Exactly one month, date to date, after our Wedding Day.

I knew it was coming. I was as prepared as you can be, I truly was. I know myself too, too well. I cope and function better if I know all the facts, every possibility, every tiny thing.  I'd asked every question I could think of, even the one you never in a million years really want to ask 'How will he die?'...But I asked and I was told.

------------

Ian's particular cancer type was extremely aggressive. A Malignant Melanoma, which never presented on the skin, but was discovered as a large tumour wrapped round his Illiac vessel (the main artery in the hip/abdomen area, to, in his case his right leg). At first we were told he could have surgery to remove it, but in the 3-4 weeks it took to see the  top surgeon at The Marsden, it had doubled in size and was then inoperable. 


He underwent palliative radiotherapy in March, with little hope of reducing the size, just stopping the growth. But as Melanomas are predictably unpredictable, it shrank. To a size that was then operable. A glimmer of hope, and Ian was always so positive.


The same surgeon performed the surgery, in late June. But reading his notes, I'm extremely nosy and as I said before, have a need for information, good and bad, the surgery was listed in bold, clear as day writing, 'Palliative Surgery'. At this point I 'knew' how this would end. My heart hoped it wouldn't, but my head knew it would. This was for me, the moment I went from hoping, positively for Ian, to learning to accept. 

Unfortunately in September, as a side effect, Ian developed a blood clot which meant a stay in hospital of 2 weeks, having daily injections. It was during this time I had a meeting with his Oncologist. 
We had a long, very emotional conversation about 'How long?' and 'How?'. She was as honest as she could possibly be with me, and explained 'Weeks rather than months' and told me to try and concentrate on 'All the positives, the moments you can look back on and make you smile, even if you don't believe me now, you will need them and cherish them, so make them'. She was so right...our Wedding Day being one of those.


------------


I got to acceptance much sooner than Ian. He struggled with it. I know he felt 'acceptance' was giving up, giving in. He needed to feel he was fighting it. He never said it that way, but I understood him so well. So we never talked about when, he was more comfortable not knowing. 
In the same position I would probably be the same, who knows?
On a different note, I have a slight problem with some expressions, such as, 'They fought to the end'. It somehow makes it sound as if when the person accepts what will happen they have 'failed' in some way?


He did wonder how?, on only one occasion with me.  He was terrified of dying, in his words, in excruiciating pain. He said it was his biggest fear.


"You will probably get tireder and weaker. You'll sleep more often, for longer, with less waking moments. Until you sleep all the time. Then the sleep will get deeper, until finally you'll stop breathing while asleep."

This was his Dr's answer to to me when I'd asked 'How?'. And it was what I told him.


I saw and felt his relief.

Then I made a promise. 'I promise, and you know me, I don't break my promises. I will do everything I can to make sure it is as pain free as possible'. 

On Sunday he was unable to swallow his array of many drugs. Not for the reason I'd previously thought, because he couldn't physically swallow, but because he didn't know how to, or what to do. It is impossible to get someone to swallow pills if they don't understand what you mean. I tried and I had to give up after 25mins. That's when they started a Syringe Driver. So he was still getting all his pain relief & sedation, but as a constant flow over a 24 hour period.

By Tuesday he was in his hospital bed, in the dining room half of our living/dining room.
The Tuesday morning was also when he stopped drinking fluids. I had hoped this would help with the pain he was getting on weeing by this point, as the tumour was growing and obviously affecting his bladder in some way. And as much as the continuous drugs he was on helped hugely with keeping him comfortable, his pain increased during those times. So Wednesday and Thursday was spent mainly, apart from spending time with him, with all of us, District Nurses, Hospice @ home nurses, making sure he got top up shots of diamorphine to reduce that pain. Thursday evening was also when his breathing changed, quite distinctly. Shorter and shallower. Although I had a wobbly moment, just before this, on realising that I wasn't keeping my promise to him. We weren't making him completely pain free, I felt I was failing him. But yes, by Thursday night he had no pain, eventually.

I say eventually, as there was one District Nurse, on Thursday evening, who had a problem with giving a 5ml shot of Diamorphine, for pain, (which he had been having up to that point) as in her own words 'Given the stage Ian is now at, I'm unhappy with giving morphine, as this could hasten this stage'...


My response? Because obviously this was more about accountability and her signature being on the drug chart, if he were to die shortly after.


"You're unhappy about giving pain relief drugs because you're concerned about hastening the end, but you're happy for him to stay in pain, but for longer???...That is what you're saying? Well, I'm unhappy with your decision". How fucking illogical is that?

Luckily we had the most amazing Hospice@home night sitter, Marion, an Auxillary Nurse. Marion had a long discussion with the District Nurse about maybe upping his sedative, who then conceded to give Ian 2.5ml of morphine and 10ml of sedative. So no surprise when 2 hrs later we had to phone them out again for more pain relief, whereby the Nurse that arrived that time had absolutely NO issue with giving a full dose of each. 

During the Friday morning I had a very quiet talk with Ian, telling him that everything was sorted out, there was nothing more to worry about, everything and everyone would be okay. I was telling him to go. I know he hated being like this, unable to function on even the most basic level.

His Parents and 2 brothers arrived at the house at 1.45pm, and bumped into Ian's son who was running 2 mins round the corner to his house to change out of his school uniform (poor thing had been wearing it for 2 days!). His parents and brothers sat and talked with Ian, although there was no response from Ian. But I had read everything I could get my hands on, and discussed it with both Macmillian and Hospice nurses, and they all agreed that hearing is the last sense to go, so to continue talking.

I now have personal, absolute proof of this fact. Ian died at 1.57pm, just 12 mins after his Mum, Dad and 2 brothers arrived and spoke with him, although his breathing had been laboured for hours.

I held his wrist and hand with both my hands, without thinking. And I felt his pulse stop, quite by accident. I didn't 'plan' it that way, it just happened. It was a truly incredible moment. His bed was surrounded. Me, his parents, his brothers, my Mum and Dad, 2 of my children, and one of his best friends.

He took two breaths, one tiny cough and just didn't breathe back in...


There was a split second, just after that last breath, of complete and utter silence and peace, almost like a vacumm.


...and I said?

"Well darling, you made that so easy"

----------------

There's a lot of talk about Quality of life, but Quality of death? It's still a very scary and taboo subject to discuss. What does Quality of Death actually mean? For me it meant love, support, comfort, no pain and no fear, for Ian or us as a family. If you have good, loving people on your side, supporting you, all pushing for the same thing, and you love and know the person, it's the very last thing you can do for them.

Getting it right. 

It's the one thing that is guaranteed in life, we will all die at some point. And the people around you, given the right circumstances, can make it good.

And as near as possible, we all got it right. I couldn't change the ultimate outcome, but I damn well made sure the journey there was the best it could be.

A celebration of love...Our Wedding Day..

I know I've not been around a lot recently. That's just the way it is. I've had much more serious issues to deal with, and as much as I enjoy blogging, I have not had the time, energy or the heart to put into words the fierce depth of emotions and heartache I'm experiencing. So I'm not going to, not right now, the time's not right. It maybe at some point in the future, but just not yet.

So instead, I'm going to share with you my wonderful Wedding Day!

On Wednesday the 22nd September I married the man I love, the man who loves me.

It was something we had been talking about for a little while, but had never quite got around to arranging and then, unfortunately, circumstances changed quickly and dramatically, and it truely was a case of now or possibly never.

I had a very in depth phone conversation with a lovely lady, Linda, at the Brighton Registry Office, and an Emergency Marriage was discussed. 

Did you even know they could do that? I didn't, till then.

And in some cases they can do everything all in the one day, within hours? Bringing everything to you, the Notice of Marriage, which normally then takes 15 days before you can marry, followed by the Ceremony straight away. Who knew? Linda did!

She was wonderful, talking & walking me through the whole process.

I arranged a Medical Statement from my GP which I collected on the Tuesday afternoon and took down to the Registry Office, along with our birth certificates and passports.

All the details were arranged there and then, with a slight panicky hiccup, as the lovely letter the GP wrote wasn't quite correct, although very sweet, it didn't have the correct wording, which was essential to obtain the Emergency Marriage License.

No problem, Linda phoned my GP, with me still there, and talked her through re-writing it, word for word. I then had to run off and collect the re-written letter, while Linda waited for me (I told you she was wonderful!).

With all the paperwork complete, we arranged for a 6pm, at home, ceremony the following day.

We also, on the Tuesday evening managed to give each of our six children a role of their own during the ceremony. Our two eldest were to be our witnesses, our two youngest were to hold the rings and pass them over at the appropriate time, and our two middle children 'gave' me away.

It was at this point it hit me, I had a wedding to organise with only 24 hours notice!

Guess what? I discovered that's what Mums are for...

My Mum was outstandingly amazing, she switched into overdrive for me. Giving me 'actual' written lists of things to get, in the right order (trust me, my brain was NOT engaged most of the time) organising all the children into a rota of cleaning, hoovering, tidying, balloon blowing/hanging, even window cleaning and gardening, generally being useful and probably coming over as somewhat bossy (well, to be honest I know she did, as a couple of people took offence and actually made a few remarks...Huh? Do I care? Tough shit!) to everyone but those who love her and understood her motivation. Whatever the circumstances, it was her Daughter & Son-in-law to be's Wedding Day, and it would be a happy, joyful and as perfect a day as she could help make it.

My husband to be insisted on wedding rings, so we had to search our local jewellery stores for the right sizes, as they only stock one size of each ring, so that was a bit hit & miss. But we got there.

By the afternoon, at 4pm, I was still whizzing round Asda, finishing the shopping for Wedding food and...erm..oh yes, something to wear! Well, it was on the list...

My Mum, step-dad, and the children had all decided, that as Hubby-to-be would be wearing his dressing gown, they would all be joining in the fun and wearing their bedroom attire too. In fact #2 son, due to a lack of actual pajamas, ended up wearing his grandma's bright pink, covered in sheep, many sizes too small pair of PJs..very fetching.

One of the many very special moments of the day was that an old friend of ours, a registrar, was able to conduct the ceremony for us, leaving Linda to deal with the paperwork, signing the register and so forth. That made it so beautifully intimate and relaxed, plus the fact it was held in our own living room, with family (suitably attired in PJs!) and lovely friends that were able to make it at such short notice.

I was concerned beforehand that it could possibly turn into a sad and wistful type of event, not a happy and joyful celebration as any wedding should be, but that wasn't the case, not at all. 

It was a true celebration of our deep love for each other, and a wonderful, beautiful day to remember, by everyone.

So I can now offically stop saying OH on this blog, and very proudly, with love, say 'My Husband'...

 

 The wonderful Linda, who stayed for a quick 'toast' ...xx

 The In-laws, bride and groom.

The most amazing friends, ever. (including our friend, the man who 'married' us, on the left, minus his tie, as it's party time!)...oh, plus our cat Hendrix, who obviously thought standing on top of the shed was a very good photo op...

xXx

A heart full of love....

This is my photo heart. It's great isn't it??
It's been created on a brilliant site, called shapecollage.com where you get to use any of your photos and play about choosing shapes, and a big bonus is it's really quick and simple to use. 
I was considering using it as my entry for The Gallery yesterday, but then changed my mind..blah..blah..
But I loved this image so much I had to post it...

You'll need to click on it to have a closer looky-see...

*Just so you know, this is not a sponsored post. I just had so much fun playing with it I wanted to share*

The Gallery - Motherhood

 




The theme this week at Sticky Fingers is 'Motherhood'. 

I've been doing this motherhood job for a bit now. 22 and a half years to be exact. 

It is without a doubt, the hardest, longest but most rewarding job in the world.

I could've posted lovely, pretty photos of babies (I have 1000's like we all do!) but instead am going to show you what you get after all the sleepless nights, poo and pee related fun, toddler tantrums and schooling struggles. 

With lots of love, much encouragement, guidance and patience, you get the absolute pleasure of knowing you have been part of the most amazing journey. That you have helped the once tiny, helpless little bundle of joy develop into an independant, healthy happy adult....

...What more could you ask for?
So for all you loving, hardworking mums of still little ones out there, here is a photo of my four 'grown up' (ish) babies. Embrace and relish the journey, trust me, it's a hell of a ride!

 

 'Mighty oaks from little acorns grow'

Make sure you pop over and check out all the entries this week....

Five memorable moments & Stories & songs Meme..

Love Bay - Poros

Slap my wrists, I have been very remiss and I'm now trying to catch up on two tags.

The delightful Dulwich Divorce tagged me with 'Five memorable moments' of 2009, and the ever busy Babyrambles (I applaud you, how on earth are you finding time to blog? Go and have a lay down lovely lady, you're making me tired!) has tagged me with a Stories and Songs Meme, started by Brits in Bosnia

2009, an interesting year. The first has to be from May, when I took Early Severance from my Civil Service career of 28 years. I was only 19 yrs old when I started (a baby) This was a huge decision for me, us civil servants are (were) creatures of habit & like the comfort of a healthy, steady wage. Yes it was a choice, I wasn't pushed. But the job had changed so much over the years, and I truly wasn't enjoying it anymore, so I saw it as a chance to try something completely different. I still haven't found out quite what that is yet, but luckily the redundancy package has given me time to explore.

As a celebration of leaving one phase of my life and starting a new one, I booked the holiday of a lifetime. A beautiful villa called Lemon Tree House, for 10, on the stunningly beautiful Greek island of Poros. Just a little background here. We are not a huge travelling round the world type family. More the sort of stay at home, camping, caravan type. A few week long trips to France over the years, and should I say this out loud? 2 of my children had never even been on a plane! Shock, horror!
So, for us, this holiday was a huge deal. The 6 of us, and a friend each for the kids. My OH had visited Greece before, including Poros, but it was a first for the rest of us.
It was the most perfectly glorious and relaxed 2 weeks....memories which myself, OH and the children will hold dear forever.

My lovely, lovely OH, very chilled! - Poros

My beautiful family & their friends - Poros

In August, my Beautiful Teenage Daughter, my baby, turned 16, and left school. My last one! So I spent a memorable 10mins, in my car, alone, on her GCSE results day, reminiscing and getting misty eyed, on what had gone before, and what was still to come. Bittersweet.

Surprise memory. I discovered I could make a little money from my Art, who knew?!

And thanks to the lovely Emily at Maternal Tales, for an 'Oooh' moment memory, when my eyes were opened to the world of Blogging.

Moving on to the 'Stories and Songs Meme'

I'll try and make it a quickie, before you start falling asleep....

Early 1977 was the year we moved house, yet again. I was 15 yrs old, and within days had found out that in the house behind us, lived a gorgeous, blond, 15 yr old boy. I then developed the biggest, hugest ever crush, my first real crush that wasn't a teeny pop band of some sort, in the way only a romantic 15 yr old girl can. You know the one, the "I can't possibly live without him!"... "Nobody will ever love him the way I do!" kind of way.
We had albums & cassettes back in the day, and the two I played incessantly (oh my poor mother) were Rod stewarts 'Smiler' and Blondies 'Plastic Letters'. I would play them and gaze, longingly out of my bedroom window, dreaming.
By Spring, I had plucked up the courage to talk with him :::swoon::sigh::.
Come the summer we were best friends.
By my 16th Birthday party, at the end of the following February, we were 'together'... yes, put your fingers in your ears and sing loudly "tralalalalala" *cough*....he was my first.....*blush*

During that February of 1978, the single released by Blondie, which reached No 2 in the charts was 'Denis Denis'...




..........................


........The name of my First Love?...


...........................


......Dennis.....

I kid you not...I couldn't make it up if I tried. Although, admittedly, it does sound a little better in French!

I'm passing these tags along to the following lovely bloggers....

Chic Mama

Emily at Maternal Tales

Gigis Ramblings

Ju at Maiaandlarasblog

auntiegwensdiary

The return of the Mobile/Cell phone...It's Love

I have just returned a mobile/cell phone to its rightful owner.

It was alone and probably quite lonely with no one to talk to, but I kept it safe & warm. Although I think it may have wanted to be turned on, touched and stroked, with maybe a little prodding here and there, which of course would have caused it to produce lovely happy, enjoyable little chirps of pleasure.

Instead it has been silently residing in my handbag for 12 whole days...and that's an eternity for a normally gregarious little phone, who is more used to an extremely active lifestyle of images, loud music, texting, msn, facebook and the odd 100 hrs of conversation.

I only hope that, for this little phones future wellbeing, now that it is back home with its one true love...

...aaahhh....altogether now....

......that it's owner will now continue to stick to the rules, attend college when expected to and certainly not lie about not attending when confronted...

Here's hoping for a very contented little phone....::sigh::...beep...beep...